It's been a while since I've posted, but after playing around for a few days on fictionalley (my roommate has become newly interested in fic and fandom) I found these letters on one of the old Orange Crush threads. I thought I would post them here, together (they were originally broken up over ten pages of posts).
To set the stage, this is voyage #49, Shocking Harry Off His Broomstick, and we were counting down to the release of HBP. We were waiting with anticipation to see if we would finally be vindicated and have H/G enter the canon. (We could not, of course, have predicted the Sunlit Days Kiss, but if we had, I think the squeeing would have been earsplitting.) In our excitement, several of the older shippers were out in full force (redmonster, prongssr) and the board was extremely active.
One of the discussion questions posted was: When one of them is bored at work and decides to owl the other just to have something to do, what do they write?
I wrote a cheeky little letter from Harry to Ginny, and this sparked off a series of letters exchanged between myself (Imagine That131) and Raiining as Harry and Ginny, respectively.
Six years later, post-Deathly Hallows, and coming up to the release for the last Harry Potter movie, reading these (and, in conjunction, the posts of other Orange Crushers between letters) reminded me of what Harry Potter and the fandom meant to me then, and reinforces how much it still means to me now.
I hope you enjoy the throwback as much as I did!
I think my ficus is out to get me. Every time I look up, it's a couple inches closer to my desk. I swear that I felt something tickle the back of my neck a few minutes ago. Do you think something Dark is possessing it? That would be a new low for evil -- man-eating houseplants. Do you think that when it spores, they've made it so that baby evil ficus seeds will fly into the air and populate the earth? What if it's giving off a poisonous gas, and every time I breathe in I step a little closer to death?
It's almost at my desk now. Its leaves are waving -- I think it's looking at me. Preparing when to strike. Waiting until I'm off guard.
Say goodbye to the children -- tell them their father went down bravely, not in the throes of a battle with plant-life.
Farewell, my darling.
P.S. I'm going to need a new plant for my office, maybe something with flowers. Apparently, ficus plants don't react well when you throw curses at them.
That's it - no more visits to Mad-Eye for you. I don't care if his sneakoscope, dustbins, or that sock hanging in his living room that I know he's charmed to squeal like a pig, goes off at once and he needs you right away --- you just send someone else. That man is slowly poisoning your mind ....
Luckily, I just recieved an owl from Neville before the ... unfortunate .... incident .... with your ficus. He sent along some seeds guarenteed not have been tampered by Dark Agents Unknown. I've attached the instructions; he'd like us to grow a few and tell him how their coming along. Apparently he just got a patent for them from the Approved Artful Breeding Office. Something about never worrying about tomatoes again ...
Anyway, have a good rest of the day and try not to damange any more houseplants. By the by, your son managed to get his hand on one of Fred and George's fake wands, and blew up the front walk with some kind of explosive paint charm I haven't been able to fix yet. So when you come home - it's not Dark Wizards, it's just your son.
P.S. I hope you enjoy having a pink roof. It matches the orange steps quite nastily ....
I'll have you know that Moody is a very good friend of mine, and he's helped me out of a lot of sticky situations. Lord knows he was right about that whole buttock thing... and I am not paranoid!
If Neville grew the plants, I trust them. Stick them in a special, anti-Dark magic bag and walk to the Muggle dentist office three blocks from the Ministry building. Circle the block six times and when you reach the second bush on the left, casually look at the ground and say, "My, what an interesting rock!" and drop the bag underneath. Be sure to wear large sunglasses and a floppy hat so no one recognizes you.
Do you know, I've always wanted a pink roof. I think James is very clever - imagine, performing a spell like that at the age of four! He must get it from his
Are you making porkchops for dinner?
P.S. I am not paranoid!
P.P.S. Don't give me that look, Ginevra Potter!
I will meet you at the muggle dentists soon as you open the package I sent with this letter and parade yourself through the Atrium, up the lift to my father's office, and owl me a picture from his stationary. Until then, I maintain my hereafter spoken accusation: you are paranoid.
On other news -- who's lost a buttocks?! I quite recall yours being properly attatched last night, thank you very much!
And as James has now added purple poka dots to the front walk and a bright green splash to the door, I insist that he gets his fashion sense from you. Luckily your second child is protesting rather violently - I'm hoping this one at least takes after my side of the family.
Though it may only be hurrying to get out and help. I fear my brothers influence extends into the womb.
And I tried making porkchops, but the smell sent me puking in the garden. So unless you stop off for take-out before you come home, I'm making grilled cheese sandwiches. Mozzarilla, or chedder?
Your pregnant, puking wife,
P.S. Neville will be hurt if you don't at least attempt to plant the seeds when you get home.
Ha ha, very funny. I can only imagine what my Auror squads would think if I waltzed up to the Misuse of Magic office in your little black dress and your even smaller little black heels. It seems my office will never again host an assassin in the form of a leafy, green plant. Not a total loss; I can always have the maintenance staff give me a garden scene in my window. Oh, wait. I forgot about that whole wastepaper basket war thing.
I've had a pitch black, end-of-the-world, the-sun-finally-gave-out view, complete with scorch marks and cockaroaches, for two weeks now.
You don't remember the Centaur Liason Office crisis of 2000? When Artemis O'Toole finally got the centaurs to agree to a meeting in the Forbidden Forest up at Hogwarts, he decided to stick his wand in his pocket so that the centaurs wouldn't think they were being threatened and *pow!* there went his left butt cheek. A shame, really. No one has been able to even find the centaurs, let alone establish another liason. Though O'Toole's replacement swears that every time he goes into the forest to try, he hears laughter.
About your womb -- do you need me stop at the store on my way home from work for anything? This baby must take after Fred and George, because your cravings are getting weirder and weirder.
How about some Muggle takeout tonight? What do you feel like having - if you think you're up for it?
P.S. Please, take the wand away from James and hide it somewhere - anywhere.
P.P.S. And there's no need to insult my fashion sense, miss.
P.P.P.S. Perhaps you'd like to make sure my buttocks are firmly in place later tonight?
But I think you'd be so cute in my little black heels! Besides, all men should be forced to wear those things once in a blue moon - make you appreciate what us women folk go through to impress you!
Ah yes, O'Toole the Fool. I heard Elisa up in Spell Damage made a singing button for him when it happened that yelled "Check your Cheek at the door!" every few minutes. The night medwitch bewitched it to stick to his backside for an entire week.
Merlin I miss work.
Anywho, speaking of the womb that ties me to our pink and orange house - no mad cravings today as of yet. I mean, I may have accidently licked the iron pipe in our bathroom - just once! ... okay twice. But I'm eight months pregnant - you can't hold it against me!
Muggle take-out, you say. Errr ... write. Whatever. How about Chinese? With that red sweet saucy stuff? Oh - and pick up a jar of pickles on the way home and dunk it in the saucy stuff for me? With a bag of red peppers? Thanks hon.
See you soon,
P.S. The wand finally blew up after the green spatters were added to the purple poka dots. Thank Merlin. Either that kid can run faster or I'm getting slower than I thought.
P.P.S. What fashion sense?
P.P.P.S. Add a box of rice chips to the red peppers and I'll take you up on that buttocks offer.
Hey -- I already respect the amount of pain you go through during child birth, don't throw high heels in my face.
Or grind them into my feet.
Did I tell you I still have a purple bruise on my left instep?
Anyway -- you don't need to wear any of that to impress me; your natural beauty can only be enhanced.
Do you know, I still have one of those buttons. I also have one left over from the Grow Your Own Warts Incident of 2003. You remember, the one that said, "Never share Joe's jockey shorts, they're old and gray and full of warts!"Poor Joe. I think he's still up in the Jenit A. Tayla wing of the Spell Damage ward at St. Mungo's.
You licked the iron pipe?
The craziest thing just happened -- I found out that I'm double jointed. I can bend my finger back all the way to my knuckle! Wow, all these untapped talents. Imagine -- if I hadn't had to stick around and finish off old Voldie, I could have joined up with a circus! They could call me Bend-a-Boy! I'd be a hit with the tightrope walker and the woman who stands on the elephant's back... when are we going to take James back to the circus?
I'll make sure I stop for Chinese -- with extra sweet-and-sour sauce for you -- and get some pickles and peppers. You can dip them yourself; I have my dignity.
He can probably run faster -- I practically flew when I ran away from Dudley. Then again, you look like you're playing host to the peach Fred and George accidentally enlarged that time -- you know, the one that your mum made about fifteen pies out of?
Do you think... maybe we should have seen a Muggle doctor after all. They can do these tests and see right inside...
Just... how many sets of twins have there been in your family again?
P.S. You'll be swimming in rice chips before the night is over.
You know, the 'natural beauty' comment would have gone off better if you hadn't compared me to that peach. And we still have a few pies in the freezer, you know.
We will take James to the circus as soon as you can convince me any more displays of accidental magic won't send the elephants stampeeding. Remember last week at the zoo? He wanted to go pet the rabbits and accidentlyaccio'ed the deer? The park officials were not impressed.
We have to find a way to ship this kid off to Hogwarts before he's eleven. Or we'll have to start those accidental magic lessons in the backyard. Far far far back in the backyard. Where the explosions wont hit the house.
Bend-a-Boy? You've been holding out on me, Potter! I may not be very agile right now ... but you just wait till I get this baby out of me and then, oh then we'll see just how flexible you can be!
And I am not seeing any mad muggle doctor. I still remember those stupid sniches my dad had put in after he got bit in my fourth year. I don't care if they can see to the dark side of the moon - there are charms to do the same thing. Not 100% accurate, it's true, but we can handle a little surprise, can't we?
Don't answer that question. That was completely your fault.
See you soon,
Dear Ginny -- The Beautiful, Talented, Seductive Goddess Who Kindly Agreed to Marry Me,
Oh, Merlin. I'll never forget the deer. I still have hoof prints where No Hoof Prints Should Be. We have to do something about him soon -- the guys upstairs are betting on how many obliviates they have to do a week. I think Jones is ahead with his 'seven a week' bid. We probably shouldn't have moved to a Muggle neighborhood. I'm shocked that the neighbors can remember anything as it is.
What exactly do accidental magic lessons entail? Did your mum have to do them with any of you? Should I get a book? Do they have books? And if we're going to have these lessons, maybe we should have them at the Burrow. At least there the worst he can do is blow up a gnome or twelve. Maybe I'll owl Hermione -- she owns practically every parenting book -- Wizarding and Muggle -- in the world. I'm sure she knows how to go about it.
There's a very interesting stain on my carpet. In the shape of a llama. I wonder how it got there. Maybe it's blood, left over from one of the Auror Captains before me. Maybe someone knew a little too much and had to be taken care of.
Or maybe it's a sign! You know -- the Sign of the Llama. Look it up in one of my old Divination books. Doesn't the llama mean fertility? Or does it mean death? I can't remember. Maybe we should start knitting some llama gear -- hats, scarves, sweaters, gloves. Boots? We can make them all match! Maybe it's serious. Maybe it's telling me something! Our lives could be in the balance! Quick, look it up! What does the llama mean?
Oh, wait. I remember where that stain came from -- I dropped my lunch yesterday.
And it is not my fault! (what are we talking about?)
Remind me to hex Jones next time I see him. Seven a week! Pah - I'm sure he's settled down to at least ... six five ... by now.
Mom used to do accidental magic lessons with Fred & George and I. Before she figured out that F&G were using her lessons to get better at accidental magic and how to concentrate on it. After that she stopped teaching us, but it was learning to just quiet down and take things in stride. Not to get so emotional about things ...
And as our son is both a Weasley AND a Potter, I can see how he'd be having difficulties with that ....
But yeah, owl Hermoine. She's the one who reminded me of it in the first place - that's woman's natural curiosity sure didn't slow down after Hogwarts. Probably an asset in her line of work I suppose, but Merlin - introduce her to a new subject and she just wont shut UP! Or maybe pregnancy has just made me more irritable.
Don't answer that.
O ... damn! Ignore the ink drops. Another owl just flew in the kitchen window.
Okay - rereading your last letter, I hereby propose that the Sign of the Llama hereforth comes to means"fertility". Or at least "Weasley-women-possess-splitting-ova"
Honey ... it appears we are having twins.
I think I'm going to be faint.
Add a carton of chocolate milk to your grocery list for the evening?
Your Shocked Wife,
P.S. We've got five million things to do - I'll have to owl mom for her old double-crib for G&F. And I'll have to tell Hermione, and we'll need another set of swaddling clothes besides the old ones from James that I got out last month. And maybe we should expand the baby room upstairs? And, Merlin, we'll have to tell James he'll be having two new baby brothers, or sisters, or whatever. He'll be thrilled at least ... and I'd better stop this letter before I run out of parchment.
OH MERLIN WE'RE GOING TO BE PARENTS X 3!!!
I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW that when you started getting so big that you were going to have more than one baby. Otherwise that kid'd be the size of Hagrid.
Wow. Twins. We are going to need so much prozac.
Yes, I suppose Hermione's tendancy to know everything does help when it comes to being an Unspeakable, but I guess we don't know for sure, do we? I'll owl her this evening to find out about the accidental magic stuff.
As far as the clothes, crib, and other baby things go, dear, why don't we just buy it all? I know you don't like spending too much money on things when we can get perfectly good ones by borrowing, but I want our kids to wear shiny new baby things. Besides -- I know you and Hermione and your mum will enjoy shopping for those things. Visit a few Muggle stores -- you'll be there for hours.
I'd like to think the llama means, "Look, git, you dropped your sandwich" but I'll take "Potter sperm are superior and quick-swimming." Both are acurate.
When I get home, I'll owl Ron, and he and I will look over the nursery. Expanding it shouldn't be too difficult, and it will get him out of Hermione's hair for a while.
James'll be thrilled. He's pretty lonely. We ought to have him spend more time with all of his cousins -- he does have eleven of them.
Anything else for our rapidly growing shopping list?
P.S. I love you so much -- twins!
Okay - I'm excited. I really am! But twins ...
Well we've managed to save the Wizarding World, survive my brothers, have one child who is already showing Marauder Tendencies, and I haven't yet posioned myself by licking the iron pipping ... so we're going to be okay. Right?
And I know we can buy everything, but it just feels so strange to go out and ... and not scrounge for stuff! How stupid does that sound? I can hear Ron rolling his eyes from here. Okay fine - my mother, Hermione, and I'll go out shopping some time next week. I'm not due for another, what two? weeks, and even though twins should push that ahead a little, I'll still be fine by Monday. When you owl Hermione then, include a little note about shopping for me, hon? We'll need her if I'm taking my mother shopping in muggle stores.
You do realize that I'm going to come home with five times more things than we need, right? Because giving my mother a purseful of Galleons to spend on her grandchild grandchildren is like dropping Dad in a muggle grocery store and telling him to buy supper. We'd be eating for a month ...
Oo. thh Sorry. Just a sharp cramp there for a sec. Oh - your son just went tearing through the kitchen carrying ... I don't want to know what that was. A dead rat? Merlin ...
Okay, chasing after James was an Official Bad Idea. Merlin that feels funny. Almost as if ....
Hold the owl.
I have to owl my mom.
What's going on? Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?
Oh God. Is it time? Why did you owl your mum?
Ginny - owl me back!
Your very worried
Okay - everything is alright. James is okay. The house is fine. That rat he was carrying is definitely dead. And I'm in labour.
So they tell me.
othh Okay, so I believe it now too. Merlin! Forgot how much these contractions hurt.
I'm still at home, but my mother is on her way. She'll take James to the Burrow, and I'll be heading to St. Munglo's on the portkey she's going to arrange. She convinced me that it'd be better to have the babies there, since its twins and I'm still two weeks early.
And for once I have to agree with her.
It should be easier because I've already delivered one child. I wont promise not to squeeze your hand and curse you for ever touching me, however. That was almost fun last time. Took my mind off the excruciating pain of childbirth ...
Remind me to ask Hermione why we haven't developed a way to make MEN carry babies yet. Or twins, for that matter. Twins! Merlin.
Oh, okay - mum's here. I dddh ... ow ... I'm off to St. Munglo's. See you when I see you. Forgive me if scream at you. I've mailed Hermione a quick owl.
Love from your
My Dear Squad of Aurors,
Greetings from your Captain! I hope you fools haven't been slacking off too much in my absence. Lieutenant Johnson, I trust you have things well under control? No more waste paper basket wars -- I still haven't gotten the maintenance staff to forgive us.
I'm owling to let you lads (and ladies) know that I'm now the proud father of two little girls, Molly Elizabeth and Lily Minerva.
I'll be back to the office in a few days -- if there are any more scorch marks than usual I will be very upset.
Captain H.J. Potter
ETA: SO sorry, LJfriends, LJ Cut is not working and I can't figure out why... did not mean to spam your friendspage!!!